The details of a funeral service can be tailored to match any personality. They can be solemn and dignified affairs, quick, simple moments, celebratory parties, or something else entirely. A person can prearrange virtually anything that suits them for their funeral.

Helping Youngsters Manage Their Grief

Grief is no respecter of ages; children and teens grieve the deaths of loved persons deeply. But because youngsters don’t grieve exactly like adults, finding appropriate ways to support younger grievers is often difficult.

Practice honesty

In the words of child and family psychologist David A. Crenshaw, “Children can bear the truth, no matter how bad, better than they can bear being deceived.” There is never a good reason to lie to children about the death of a loved one and the broken trust may never be completely repaired. While kids don’t usually need (or benefit from) all the details that are known, their questions should be answered simply and honestly with explanations that are appropriate to their age.

Consider development

A 14-year old adolescent will likely experience the death of a grandparent very differently than his four-year old sister. One reason is the longevity of relationship; the four-year old might never have known the grandparent when healthy, for example. But a major difference is the way children at different developmental stages process thoughts and feelings. Fourteen year olds, for example, are generally capable of abstract concepts while a four-year old has difficulty imagining the things she hasn’t seen and does not understand death as irreversible.

Take stock of relationship

How a person experiences grief is determined by many factors, but one of the most obvious is the relationship with the deceased. That is why a child’s grief response at the death of the family dog can be significantly greater than the response the same child exhibits a few months later when a rarely-visited grandparent dies. Children do not need to be “shamed” into feeling sad. You may not see outward sadness, anger, or fear related to the death of a person with whom he or she felt no real relationship.

Include youngsters in ceremonies

Funerals and memorial gatherings are important times for family and community to acknowledge the death, celebrate the life that was lived and draw support from one another. Children and teens share this need with adult mourners. When attending funeral ceremonies, young children are best served if they are accompanied by someone who can be especially attuned to their needs. This close adult friend, neighbor, or parent of a playmate can concentrate on the child’s needs. Older children and teens can be included in the ceremony in ways that are appropriate to their age and relationship with the deceased. Your funeral director can make specific recommendations about how children can be involved in the funeral ceremonies.

Expect “grief diversions”

Youngsters often grieve in “spurts,” so it might surprise family members and friends to see the kids out on the lawn playing football the afternoon of dad’s funeral. Most adults could never bring themselves to such a place, but this is completely normal for children.

Be careful of confusing explanations

Just as children are not helped by dishonest explanations, neither are they helped by explanations that attempt to create a spiritual or philosophical explanation for the death. “God needed another flower for His garden,” and “Mommy just went to sleep” does not help a youngster grasp the fact of the death or the grief they experience. Instead, use factual, simple explanations with young children. For example, say “Something sad has happened. Grandpa has died. When a person dies, it means his body quits working. He doesn’t eat or sleep or feel pain anymore. I am sad because I can’t talk with Grandpa now.”

Connect with supportive people

One challenge of grieving children and teens is that in many cases, the same loss that they are experiencing was also experienced by all or most of the people in their primary support system. The death of a parent is made more difficult for a child, for example, because the surviving parent, uncles and aunts, and grandparents are also deeply impacted by the loss. School counselors and teachers can be invaluable help, and should be informed about what is happening in the child’s home. It can also be wise to seek the help of a support program designed especially for bereaved children and teens; programs can be found at the website of the National Alliance for Grieving Children. Teachers and school counselors will find additional help in our free brochure, Grief and the School Community.

Written Resources

A large number of books have been written to assist the parents, teachers and other caregivers of grieving children. Some of the books you may find especially helpful are:

• The Grieving Child: A Parent’s Guide by Helen Fitzgerald
• A Parent’s Guide to Raising Grieving Children by Phyllis Silverman and Madelyn Kelly
• Healing a Child’s Grieving Heart by Alan Wolfelt
• Teen Grief Relief: Parenting with Understanding, Support & Guidance by Heidi Horsley, Gloria Horsley and Betty Wright
• The Grieving Teen: A Guide for Teenagers and Their Friends by Helen Fitzgerald

Additional Resources

Visit our Additional Grief Resources page.

Whatever age people are “supposed to be” when they die, most of us feel like it should be a good bit older than us! That’s why it seems so hard to face the death of someone who is our contemporary, who likes the same kind of music and remembers the same television shows.

When a contemporary dies, most of us experience our own grief and sense our own needs for care. At the same time, we want to provide care for others whom we assume must be hurting even more. The good news is that it is possible to receive the care offered by others while also caring for others. This mutual sharing of hurts and help is one characteristic of the sense of community for which most people long.

Siblings

Siblings enjoy unique relationships, having shared both the good and the bad of growing up in the family home. Together, we laugh at the same memories and share the same stories. The sense of loss at a sibling’s death can be profound.

Coworkers

Coworkers sometimes become closer than family, in part because of the amount of time spent together. Few people—even in your family—spend as much time with you as those with whom you work. Sharing an office or working for many years on common projects can weld people together as friends as well as work associates. When this happens, losing a coworker can be deeply affecting.

Friends

The grief of losing a friend also can be profound. Because we choose friends, these people become our greatest confidants, supporters and cheerleaders. For most people, the death of a close friend leaves a giant hole in the heart.

Finding Support

Make sure to stay connected to supportive people. Family members, work associates and other friends can be enormously supportive in the experience of grief. But remember that some people do not understand the significance of non-family attachments and might wonder just why this loss is such “a big deal.” Well-meaning people sometimes don’t comprehend the significance of a friend, coworker or sibling’s death, contributing to even greater isolation for the bereaved person. Click here to download a copy of our brochure, Twelve Ways to Help a Grieving Friend.

Memorialization

Don’t forget to pay attention to memorial opportunities. Prioritize your schedule to attend and participate in the funeral or memorial service. Look for opportunities to memorialize this person through sending flowers or making contributions in his or her memory. And remember that in addition to the funeral activities in the early days after the death, some cultures create important memorial opportunities at intervals through the first year and perhaps on the anniversary of the death thereafter.

Taking Time for Yourself

Be certain that you take some time for yourself, as well. One difficulty of facing the death of a sibling, coworker or friend is that these people are often near our own age, forcing us to consider our own mortality. As you work through this loss, it is always good to take time to think about what characteristics you hope people will remember about you and to reevaluate your own priorities.

Written Resources

The following books might be helpful to you on your journey through grief:

• Surviving the Death of a Sibling by T.J. Wray
• The Empty Room: Understanding Sibling Loss by Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn
• Don’t Ask for the Dead Man’s Golf Clubs: Advice for Friends When Someone Dies by Lynn Kelly
• Grieving the Death of a Friend by Harold Ivan Smith

Additional Resources

Visit our Additional Grief Resources page.

Web Resources

Grief Connect: The Center for Bereavement Education
Since 1991, GriefConnect, Inc. has been helping caregiving professionals connect with people in grief through continuing education seminars, program design consultation, and printed materials.

HelloGrief.org
Comfort Zone Camp, Inc. developed HelloGrief.org to start a discussion about the impact of loss, and how to help grieving persons cope; as well as build a community of support for those living with grief.

General Books on Grief

Even though many grieving people lack the concentration for extended reading, you might find these books to be helpful:

• The Other Side of Sadness by George Bonanno
• How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies by Therese Rando
• Grievers Ask: Answers to Questions About Grief and Loss by Harold Ivan Smith
• A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser

Books For Spouses Who Grieve

• Widowed by Dr. Joyce Brothers
• A Handbook for Widowers by Ed Ames
• Widow to Widow: Thoughtful, Practical Ideas for Rebuilding Your Life by Genevieve  D. Ginsburg
• I’m Grieving as Fast as I Can: How Young Widows and Widowers Cope and Heal by Linda Feinberg
• Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing by Tom Golden
• The Tender Scar: Life after the Death of a Spouse by Richard Mabry

Books For Parents Who Grieve

• How to Survive the Loss of a Child by Catherine Sanders
• The Grieving Garden: Living with the Death of a Child by Suzanne Redfern and Susan K. Gilbert
• Life after the Death of My Son: What I’m Learning by Dennis Apple
• Giving Sorrow Words by Candy Lightner and Nancy Hathaway
• A Grief Unveiled: One Father’s Journey Through the Loss of a Child by Gregory Floyd
• When the Bough Breaks: Forever after the Death of a Son or Daughter by Judith Bernstein

Books For Children & Teens Who Grieve

• The Grieving Child: A Parent’s Guide by Helen Fitzgerald
• A Parent’s Guide to Raising Grieving Children by Phyllis Silverman and Madelyn Kelly
• Healing a Child’s Grieving Heart by Alan Wolfelt
• Teen Grief Relief: Parenting with Understanding, Support & Guidance by Heidi Horsley, Gloria Horsley and Betty Wright
• The Grieving Teen: A Guide for Teenagers and Their Friends by Helen Fitzgerald

Books For Adult Children Who Grieve

• Grieving the Death of Your Mother by Harold Ivan Smith
• On Grieving the Death of a Father by Harold Ivan Smith
• When Parents Die: Learning to Live with the Loss of a Parent by Rebecca Abrams
• Midlife Orphan by Jane Brooks
• When Parents Die: A Guide for Adults by Edward Myers
• Nobody’s Child Anymore by Barbara Bartocci

Books For Friends, Coworkers & Siblings Who Grieve

• Surviving the Death of a Sibling by T.J. Wray
• The Empty Room: Understanding Sibling Loss by Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn
• Don’t Ask for the Dead Man’s Golf Clubs: Advice for Friends When Someone Dies by Lynn Kelly
• Grieving the Death of a Friend by Harold Ivan Smith

Gone Way Too Soon…Coping With a Child’s Death

“Parents are not supposed to bury their children,” David cried out. “This is not how it’s supposed to be.” You likely identify with this dad, expressing the shock, disbelief and grief of a child’s death. Whether in an unexpected car crash, through suicide or after a lengthy illness, the death of a child turns the world upside down. Regardless of whether the “child” is a toddler, a teenager or a middle-aged parent herself, a child’s death upsets the “natural order” of life.

A big part of the grief process for parents is described as a “search for meaning.” In early grief, finding meaning in a child’s death is an impossible task, and for some, no sense is ever made of the death. Eventually, though, most bereaved parents, family members and friends do find meaning in the loss-or at least in spite of it. You might embrace a cause to prevent other families from experiencing the same tragedy or fondly recall the rich living crammed into a few short years by a young person gone too soon. You may eventually find a depth to your own strength or vitality in your faith you never knew existed.

The Child’s Siblings and Friends

Siblings and friends of the child who has died need an extra measure of patience and support and there are many practical ways friends and family members can provide help. Click here for more information on support for children and teens. Though parents desire to shield surviving children from the pain, and even if the other children have not been told what happened, siblings sense the tension in the family, realizing intuitively, “something is wrong.” When they do not get honest information about their brother or sister, they sometimes erroneously conclude that parents are upset because of their actions.

The Child’s Grandparents

Grandparents also experience the loss deeply. In the words of author and bereaved grandparent, Mary Lou Reed, “Grandparents cry twice.” Not only must grandparents bear the grief after their grandchild’s death, but they also must helplessly witness the intractable pain their own child experiences as the grandchild’s now-bereaved parent. If you know a bereaved grandparent, inquire not only about the well-being of the bereaved parents, but also ask how he or she is doing, too.

Your Marriage, Family and Coping

Do not believe common cultural “myths” about parental bereavement. Your marriage is not “doomed,” though a child’s death does put an unprecedented strain on even the best marriages. And ignore the well-meaning suggestion of friends or family members who suggest something like, “Since you’re young, you can have another child.” Children can never be replaced, regardless of their age at death.

A child’s death is a life-altering event, but for parents and other family members, it does not have to be a life-ending event. Grief shakes us from “top to bottom,” leaving no part of life untouched. Click here for specific actions you can take to cope with your loss.

Finding Support

Some bereaved parents want to talk about their loss with a counseling professional, and you can find one at the Association for Death Education and Counseling. In addition, mutual help groups like Compassionate Friends, Bereaved Parents of the USA, Bereaved Parents of Canada and Care for the Family provide excellent online resources and links to community-based chapters. You also can download our free brochure on How to Find a Grief Support Group.

Surviving children may also benefit from a bereavement support program. The National Alliance for Grieving Childrenprovides excellent resources and a searchable database of bereavement programs for children and teens. Learn from others who have walked through parental bereavement. Biographies often include anecdotes about how people have faced the deaths of children. Reading the stories of bereaved parents like John Walsh (America’s Most Wanted), Candy Lightner (Mothers Against Drunk Driving), and Marc Klaas (Klaas Kid’s Foundation) may encourage you in your own journey.

Written Resources

Though you may be unable to concentrate on long books, you may find these helpful:

• How to Survive the Loss of a Child by Catherine Sanders
• The Grieving Garden: Living with the Death of a Child by Suzanne Redfern and Susan K. Gilbert
• Life after the Death of My Son: What I’m Learning by Dennis Apple
• Giving Sorrow Words by Candy Lightner and Nancy Hathaway
• A Grief Unveiled: One Father’s Journey Through the Loss of a Child by Gregory Floyd
• When the Bough Breaks: Forever after the Death of a Son or Daughter by Judith Bernstein

Additional Resources

Visit our Additional Grief Resources page or, for even more helpful information, informative literature and trusted guidance, contact your local Selected Independent Funeral Home by using our Member Locator.

Saying Goodbye To Your Lifemate

Whether the relationship was measured in months or in decades, the death of your lifemate is a loss for which you are never completely prepared. Well-meaning friends and family members sometimes encourage you to “move on” and even remind you that your mate “wouldn’t want you to be sad.” But that’s just not how grief works.

The death of your lifemate is not something you just “get over.” Your lives became intertwined through your time together. The holidays shared, vacations taken, and occasions celebrated knitted your lives together. In such a relationship, grief is not a bad “bruise;” it feels more like a complete amputation.

Some people try to compare losses. “Oh, I know just how you feel,” he or she might say. But because every relationship is unique, every experience with grief is also unique. You and your life mate shared experiences of which only the two of you know, so in many ways, no one understands all the dimensions of your loss.

Sadly, death sometimes comes as a relationship is just budding. You had so many hopes and dreams and simply did not have the time to complete many of them. But even after forty, fifty, or sixty years of marriage, newly-widowed people wish for more time together.

The pledge of commitment, “until death do us part” is uttered somewhat glibly; now, the “parting” is filled with undeniable sorrow. You can find specific ideas for actions you can take to cope with your loss here.

Finding Support

Bereavement is not best faced in isolation; we all need at least one or two supportive people around us. Young Widow – Chapter Two and Parents without Partners provide online resources and links to local chapters. Most communities also have a group named Widowed Persons Service or similar. You can search the internet for “widowed persons service (your city or county name)”. You might also try connecting with a widow-to-widow online forum such as Widowed Village or WidowNet. Or, you can download our free brochure on How to Find a Grief Support Group.

Written Resources

Learning to live again without your lifemate is an enormous challenge, so reading the perspectives of others who have made the journey can be helpful. Many widowed people have found these books to be particularly insightful:

• Widowed by Dr. Joyce Brothers
• A Handbook for Widowers by Ed Ames
• Widow to Widow: Thoughtful, Practical Ideas for Rebuilding Your Life by Genevieve  D. Ginsburg
• I’m Grieving as Fast as I Can: How Young Widows and Widowers Cope and Heal by Linda Feinberg
• Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing by Tom Golden
• The Tender Scar: Life after the Death of a Spouse by Richard Mabry

Additional Resources

Visit our Additional Grief Resources page or, for even more helpful information, informative literature and trusted guidance.

The intimacy shared with a lifemate makes this loss unlike any other. Give yourself time to find your way as you build a new life on the foundation of what you shared.

The following actions may be helpful to you as you learn to adjust to life after the loss of your loved one.

1. Express Emotion

Sadness, anger, fear, loneliness, guilt and a few dozen other emotions are common to bereaved people. You might even think of grief as a “collision of emotions” with all of these feelings clamoring for expression at once. Cry when you feel like crying, talk with a supportive friend or professional, and memorialize your loved one in the ways that seem helpful to you. Keeping a journal can be a meaningful way to express emotion, too; try beginning with a phrase like, “Today, I felt the most angry (or lonely or sad or scared) when…”

Keep in mind, however, there are different styles of grieving.Some people grieve primarily by taking adaptive action, getting involved in projects, and describing their experience in very cognitive terms. Others are intensely emotional in the ways they grieve, experiencing the full onslaught of feelings, and wanting to talk out the very deep emotions they experience. Most people grieve somewhere between these extremes.

2. Write Things Down

Most bereaved people have difficulty with focus and concentration, which is one of the reasons counselors recommend against making quick, life-altering decisions like changing jobs or selling your home. Instead, keep a journal of what you are thinking and feeling. One bereaved woman kept a phone log with notes about the calls she made and received, with whom she talked, and pertinent details about the conversation. Make lists of both the little things and the big things you need to accomplish, and you’ll find it easier to keep up with tasks when your memory fails. And making a “to do” list in the evening before retiring to bed might even help improve your sleep.

3. Look After Your Physical Well-Being

Bereavement impacts us not only psychologically but also physically. You might have noticed changes in your appetite or sleep patterns, unremitting tears, or the familiar “lump in the throat.” Fatigue is a likely companion for you, and you might notice greater frequency of illness.

All of these are normal because grief has powerful physical impacts. Pay attention to your nutrition, eating plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables and drinking lots of water. Reduce or eliminate caffeine, especially if you are having trouble sleeping. Begin or resume an exercise regimen in consultation with your health professional. A complete check-up is in order in the early months of grief, and when you see the doctor, make sure to mention any physical symptoms that concern you.

4. Avoid Withdrawal and Busy-ness

In grief, some people tend to over-schedule themselves, hoping, it seems, to “stay busy,” while others tend to withdraw completely from relationships and activities formerly enjoyed. Neither extreme will prove helpful. Instead, be creative with some of your alone time. View photo albums and write in your journal. Reach out to others by telephone, even when they don’t call you. Don’t try to schedule every moment of the day; it is a vain hope to think you can stay busy enough to not think about your loss.

5. Connect With Others

Grief does not work when we try to go it alone. Instead, entrust your story to supportive people in your family, in your community, among mental health professionals and in support groups. Something happens when we connect with others. We gain a sense of how life was changed by this death and pick up useful perspectives from people who have perhaps walked a bit further in loss. And reaching out to others with your story might just encourage someone else who hasn’t walked as far as a grieving person as you have.

If you’re looking for a bereavement support group, talk to your local member of Selected Independent Funeral Homes whose staff knows of resources in your community. You also can download our free brochure on How to Find a Grief Support Group. And, you can find a counselor with professional expertise in loss issues at the Association for Death Education and Counseling.

6. Explore Faith

A loved one’s death raises questions about the meaning of life and makes us contemplate what happens after this life. Even if you haven’t considered yourself to be particularly spiritual or religious, this death might have you asking questions you had not previously pondered. And if you are connected to a faith community, you might be wondering about some of the beliefs you have held dear. In any case, spiritual reading, prayer and meditation, conversations with a spiritual leader, and worship can be helpful in the grief process. Seek out the counsel of others whose spiritual life you trust or learn more about how various faith communities and cultural groups acknowledge death.

7. Participate in Memorial Ceremonies

The funeral or memorial service, wake, vigil service, visitation and burial/committal provide some of the most meaningful opportunities to begin the bereavement process. Funerals provide many unparalleled benefits to bereaved family members and friends, a fact undisputed by the professional bereavement caregiving community. Click here to learn more about what scholars say about the funeral’s role in bereavement.

8. Explore Additional Resources

Visit our Additional Grief Resources page or, for even more helpful information, informative literature and trusted guidance, contact your local Selected Independent Funeral Home by using our Member Locator.